Archive for December, 2013

2013

We are 12 hours away from beginning a new year. For those who have followed this blog for long know that I love love love new beginnings. A fresh start. A clean slate. A beautiful new canvas to add color to…to add life to…and to add purpose to.

2014 is fast approaching. But before jumping right into that new beginning, I’ve been thinking about what 2013 was for me.

12 months. One year. 365 days. That seems like such a loooong time when you think about it. But then again, it seems like a fleeting moment when you really think about it. Those moments. Those lessons. Those blessings. Now they’re all just a sweet memory that leaves a sweet, sweet taste in my mouth. …and then there are others that make my eyes water with the sourness and bitterness. Yes, a yearful of stuff to ponder.

In 2013, I grew in thankfulness for my children and in their uniquenesses. The love I feel for them sometimes feels like a punch in the gut and takes my breath away. The tears spill out as I consider my love for them. They each truly have my whole heart and being. Motherhood is not like anything I ever imagined. I have been so proud of each of them this year! They are so amazing! The best in the world, hands down!

I learned more of my weakness in 2013. There are times when I am so determined and so stubborn that it fools me into thinking I’m strong and capable. But I have really learned the deep truth that I am a weakling…a tiny little incapable weakling. Thankfully I serve a big God who makes me strong, but I am nothing at all without Him. Just a weak, nothing, little girl. And this year I realized that over and over and over as I realized I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do and had to step out of some commitments. I realized it as I have watched Chloe’s body regress and worked my tail off to make it stop — but I can’t. I’m nothing. I realized my weakness as I went back to work very part-time this fall and felt the extent of the toll that working just-that-little-bit takes on me and my high-maintenance family.

In 2013 I discovered that happiness is a choice and a deliberate decision. Happiness isn’t something that just happens naturally in certain circumstances. It’s a choice. It’s a choice that I can choose even when things are really stinky and depressing and hard. And happiness is something that can get you out of bed in the morning. It can help you laugh at things that could otherwise ruin your day in an instant. It can remind you to look on the bright side even though it’s the darkness that is so glaringly obvious. Happiness is a choice. And life is a whole lot more livable when I choose it.

In 2013, I learned that in order to have a friend, I have to be a friend. Friendship takes effort — deliberate effort. And while there are times when other important things in life must trump the efforts of friendship, the truth is friendship is very important and must be nurtured. Friendship is water for the soul. And I have become very thirsty.

And in 2013, I was shocked by the smallness of our world. Getting acquainted for the first time with my half brother and his sweet family who live across the globe forced this world I’m standing on to shrink up in an instant. Messaging, texting, calling, and chatting face-to-face on the computer screen with them made Earth tiny. (2013 = tiny Earth)

However, with the shrinking world, I also felt my heart nudged in the opposite direction, too, as 2 of my nephews and one of my brothers scattered from Texas to follow their dreams/journeys. To have nearly always lived within 15 minutes’ drive of everyone and then to be scattered across the world is such an odd thing. It leads me to desire more connection with my family while there’s still time. (Sound morbid? Don’t mean it for it to. It has just made my heart oddly tender.)

So as those who know me can maybe sense, 2013 was strangely emotional for me. Since I don’t do well with emotion, it has been an odd one. One in which I am having to re-evaluate and figure things out. I don’t know…maybe I’m finally growing up and having grown up thoughts and feelings….

2013 was not the year I expected. But 2013 has grown me hugely (in more than one sense of the word, unfortunately!!! hahaha). Seriously, it really has. Maybe I have more questions than answers for the first time in my life. I’m waaaaay more thoughtful/introspective than ever — and it really sorta weirds me out.

2013, thanks for all you taught me and brought me. I think we did okay together. See ya. Putting ya in the books.

Image credit: http://www.backgroundsy.com
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