Reflecting…

I am again amazed that another year is coming to an end. The days fly by. The months soar past. And the years zoom right along.

Thinking of my word of the year for 2012, at first glance, I feel like I need to admit my failure for not following through.

My word for 2012 was Delight.

Have I delighted?

I don’t think so. I haven’t delighted in much at all, actually.

Now, I’m not really down on myself or beating myself up over it so don’t feel like you have to try convince me that I’m okay.

Sometimes life is hard — it’s just how it is. Seasons … trials … difficulties. That’s just life.

It’s been a difficult season, to be sure.

A tough couple of school years for Chloe. Lots of advocacy and frustrating meetings and conversations. Ultimately, filing Due Process — a step I never thought I’d have to take. Then the aftermath of a couple of years of stress: trying to “connect” with people again, letting down walls that are tall and thick, learning to trust again…

That’s really what I’ve been doing this year. I’ve been recovering rather than delighting. And that’s okay. It’s the season for it. While I was hoping that I could recover, get things put back together, and even delight this year — the truth is I guess I just needed a long season of recovery.

It has been a season of feeling inadequate at everything I do: volunteering, PTA, parenting, being a wife, housekeeping …. Literally everything. I feel like I am not doing a great job of anything right now. But perhaps all of that is necessary as I recover from the past couple of years. Not to delight or to excel, necessarily. Just to survive and recover, really.

I did also feel the need to ask for help from my doctor, too, to get over this funk that I’ve been in. I started taking an antidepressant a few months ago in hopes that it will help me get over this hump. For some reason, that was a hard step for me — why is it that psyche drugs are sometimes stigmatized and looked down on? Why is it difficult or embarrassing to admit that we’re depressed and in need of help? The medicine hasn’t made a huge difference that I can tell, but I’m hopeful that the medicine will help me get “in a better place” before too long.

So delight? Ummmmm, well …. Not so much.

But do the best I could do? Yeah. I think so.

By the way, admitting weakness is not in my comfort zone! But I’m learning to be real. So here I am. šŸ˜‰

Not sure yet if I will pick a word for 2013, but I’m tossing a couple around. If I do pick a word, I’m thinking I will not aim quite as high as I did with Delight…. We’ll see!

Photo credit: www.mennta.hi.is
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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by tracylcarpenter on December 30, 2012 at 8:02 PM

    I love your being real best. But then I love you no matter what.

    His Peace John 14:27

    Reply

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