Love and Worry

“I’m scared, Mom!” came Zippy’s words, filled with worry.

And I was immediately reminded of very similar conversations with Elliot in the past.

The conversation had started simple enough. Zippy asked if he could live with me forever. Well, actually, he asked me if he could have my house when he grows up. Then when I asked him what in the world I would be doing, he agreed to let me live with him in my house. With his three kids. And his wife. But I took all of that to mean that he wanted to live with me forever. What?? I’m sure that’s what he meant. He promised me that he would never throw his own mama out on the street. That proves that he wants to live with me forever. So there.

And then came his questions about Chloe as a grownup. What will she do? Where will she live?

I tried to make it sound so simple and obvious: “Well, if she wants to live with us, then she can. Or if she wants to live with friends or with her husband, then she can. Just whatever she wants to do.”

He apparently knew that it might not be quite that simple. He asked another question, trying to put his mind and heart at ease.

I basically repeated myself, but this time adding the fact that “she might need some help, but she can do whatever she wants to do.”

That’s when his emotion surfaced, and he let me in on the whole reason that this conversation even came up: “I’m scared, Mom!”

While I did my best to assure him that Chloe will be fine and happy when she grows up — mainly because I think her 10-year-old brother doesn’t need to be scared about his little sister’s future — I knew that there is certainly more than a twinge of fear inside my head and heart about Chloe’s future.

I don’t think I’m as scared as I used to be since I have thought long and hard about Chloe’s future and have a vision for Chloe for long term. It helps to have thought all of that out.

But the truth is, I have no idea what Chloe’s future will look like. As I’ve already explained here, Paul and I are huge advocates for Chloe and plan to fight for whatever we need to fight for to ensure that she is offered the life that she deserves. However, the truth is, too, that at every turn society tries to steal away the rights that should be hers: people staring or questioning, people not giving her a chance, stereotypes, the school system having no expectation for her, doctors who are one-sided and one-sighted, groups who exclude her, doors closing in front of her …. The odds are stacked against her.

But Chloe has a team of people around her who love her and value her. She has a team of people around her who are willing to go to bat for her if needed — and to go to battle for her if needed.

And even if I am a bit fearful, I don’t intend to let my little 10-year-old worrier know that I have that fear. It’s not his to carry yet. I’ll let him keep the big worries he already has. And hopefully by the time he’s ready to take on more grown-up things, Chloe’s bright future will already be playing out before his eyes.

Yes. Hoping and praying so. And working toward that goal.

But for now, Sweet Boy, just know that your sister is going to be just fine.